Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Love is always patient and kind.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no