Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had


Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.


Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math


[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.


Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”


Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken


Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.


Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff


*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*