Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.