Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”


I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life


I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.


This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.


BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no


Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.


it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..


I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?


Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.