Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Always a metermaid never a meter

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.