Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.![]()
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Saw online –
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble