NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
me and who
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.