Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Aaaa…CHOO!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.