You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?