Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I can also cook 😂
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours