not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.