*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
This classic never gets old . . .
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.