Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
You Might Also Like
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”