I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.