coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The answer is funnier than the question
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.