I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Most fashion shows these days…
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
this could fix me
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours