I said we supposed to be saving our money.
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MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS