#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
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First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.