Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Nice try, NASA
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Sing it!
Finally, an explanation.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.