Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
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me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Anime is real
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”