“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.