The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot