I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I am yelling
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Cannot stop laughing at this
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
This probably isn’t good