Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow