In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: