In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.