I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.