Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.