your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
giddy up Office Depot
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
God has abandoned us.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again