According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges