Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
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Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
That lamp looks PISSED.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
tell em, edith-anne
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing