make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
it’s the silliest best thing
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Bringing home a sharpie
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.