[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.