Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

My dryer is celebrating lint.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.