“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”