People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair