elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You Might Also Like
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.