ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Customer is always right
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”