Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.