Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
How high do the levels go?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.