If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
What my back needs
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule