Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
You Might Also Like
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
you will never know the true number of layers
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.