google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
You Might Also Like
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.