google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Breaking news:
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?