google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing