Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I feel seen
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows