Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.