If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me My dog
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Knock Knock
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife