Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.