Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
#MeanwhileinCanada
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
😅🤣😂
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.