I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.