Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.