Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me