If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me too 😆
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.