[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
War & Peace
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
This chloroform smells expensiv…