Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.